


Hanging by a Thread

by b3nnydrown3d



Category: Bleach
Genre: BleachBigBang, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-11 22:02:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19935196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/b3nnydrown3d/pseuds/b3nnydrown3d
Summary: Chad hasn't always been the kind and gentle guy that he is today, he was always picking fights and causing trouble due to his size. But this caused conflict with himself, and the only person that was there to try and help lessen the troubles, his Abuelo. Chads grandfather taught him, with his size and strength, he could help others from trouble instead of causing it. And with that, Chad decided to turn his life around and start new.





	Hanging by a Thread

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is a flashback, and the rest of the story is what leads up to what happened in this one. There are also some trigger warnings, such as self-harm, and mentions of alcohol abuse.

Ichigo was hesitant to get close to Chad. After what happened, he wasn’t sure if he could ever truly feel comfortable around the one he loved the most and that tore him up inside. He didn't want to feel this way, but it was like something was telling him that he needed to keep his distance instead of working it out like a responsible adult.  
Chad could tell that Ichigo wasn't acting like his normal self: he was a bit more hesitant around him and he wouldn't lean up against him for comfort or reassurance like he did before. It hurt knowing that things weren't going to be the same as they were before; it would take a long time before they got back to the point of barely meeting and getting to know each other like during the beginning of their high school days.  
As the weeks went on, so did the heartbreak. The two would exchange short glances of longing and want, then they moved on to a new step of starting to exchange small conversations, and finally to small touches. The steps went by gradually, but the pace was very hard for the both of them; they desperately wanted things to go back to how they were, but Chad and Ichigo knew that if they didn’t take things slow, then things weren't going to go back at all.  
Over the next few months, Ichigo and Chad finally got to the point where they were sharing the same bed again, which was a relief for the both of them sinceChad had taken to sleeping on the couch right after his fit of drunken mishaps to give both him and Ichigo the space they needed to start their healing process.  
During these months of finally getting back to a somewhat healthier rhythm, Chad would go out of his way to bring home bouquets of sunflowers and put them in a vase for when Ichigo came home. There would always be a note attached to each bouquet, each one describing a different reason for him to love Ichigo. The most recent one read, “I love that when you're laughing, you always bring up your hand and try to cover up your beautiful smile.”  
Chad had always loved giving his partner bright colored flowers whether they be poppies, daisies, Asters, or Bergenias. Chad would bring different flowers depending on the mood that he was in that particular day. But, the sunflowers always caught his eye because they were as bright as Ichigo’s hair and personality.  
When Ichigo came home from work that day, he was met with the smell of heavy spices. Ichigo dumped his things onto the couch and followed the smell of spice to the kitchen where it only got stronger. But, he was not only surprised by the amount of food that was laid out, but also the bright yellow flowers that were on the table.  
“Hey there, stranger,” he piped up, going up behind Chad at the stove, and placing his hands on Chad’s shoulder blades. He slowly ran them down to his waist, snaked them around to the front, and then had them meet in the middle so he could latch himself to his back.  
“Hello to you too. How was work?” Chad asked, shaking a bit from the chill that was sent down his spine by Ichigo’s sudden touch. He turned around, wrapped his lover in his arms, and then looked down at him with a small smile.  
“It was good. I wasn't too busy and rush hour wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.” Ichigo smiled, unlocked his hands, and ran them up Chad’s back before stopping when his elbows replaced where his hands once were.  
Chad smiled as he tucked a small tuft of hair behind Ichigo's ear, caressing his cheek with the back of his fingers. “That's good to hear.” I’m glad to hear it went well.” He was glad, he just wished they could have shared a few small and soft kisses together like they used to, but they had to take things slow and steady for the sake of their relationship. And. this was as far as they could go: soft touches, caresses, and sweet looks.  
A warm hug was shared between the two before they let go. Chad reluctantly turned back to the stove to tend to the food that was on the burner, stirring it around and breaking it up, making sure it didn't burn.  
“It all smells so good...What's the occasion?” Ichigo asked, walking around the kitchen, looking at the food that was splayed out on the table around the vase of flowers, noticing the note on one of the stems.  
Opening the note, he heard Chad talking in the background as he read, a goofy grin spreading out across his face as he turned to look at Chad, who was currently eyeing him suspiciously from a few feet away. “You are such a hunk, I swear.” He laughed before looking back at the note, shaking his head while letting out a small chuckle.  
A low laugh came from Chad as the stove turned off. He put the onions and Poc Chuc on two separate plates before getting a couple pairs of chopsticks. He set them at their proper places on the table before repeating what he had told Ichigo before he read the note. "There's no occasion...I was just missing Abuelo is all."  
"Really? He must have been a wonderful man. I wish I could have met him," Ichigo said with a small smile as he got them drinks from the fridge. He sat down and waited for his lover to sit down next to him, so he could start eating.  
“I wish you could have too. He would have liked you very much,” Chad said as he looked at his lover and gave him the warmest smile; Ichigo melted at the sight of it. But, what Ichigo didn’t know was that Chad was trying to get him to become a bit more comfortable and get things rolling a bit more, even if it was just a little; a little made a big difference in his eyes.  
As the first bites were taken, Ichigo was taken aback with the amount of flavor that was packed into such a simple dish. Then, he saw the peppers that were all sitting in a small puddle of cream with some other stuff that he didn’t recognize. He picked one up by the stem and brought it to his plate to investigate it further, only to see that it was pomegranate seeds and what looked like parsley.  
“What in the world? What is this?” he asked, and Chad perked up at the sudden question. He reached over and grabbed one for himself, taking a quick bite before showing it to Ichigo. It was filled with some meat.  
“It’s a chili filled with pork, peas, carrots and some other things,” He had started to say, the first bite packed into his cheek. “It has some candied fruit in it to make it sweeter, also.” Chad finished as he swallowed his bite, finishing the rest of it.  
He grabbed another one and started to explain the cream that was on the top. “And the cream is made out of Mexican cream, pulverized walnuts, cinnamon, and brown sugar.” Ichigo was shocked about how much went into it, not only the ingredients, but also the amount of time that was put into it, too.  
“Holy shit,Chad, where did you learn to make all of this? The internet?” He couldn’t hold back on the surprise mixing with his words. Ichigo knew that his lover could cook, but he never knew the extent of what he could do, and this was the perfect example of that.  
“I learned from Abuelo, he was my soul caretaker when my parents died, so he was the one who taught me everything I know now.” Chad explained, placing his hand on Ichigo’s leg and giving it a gentle squeeze.  
Chad could credit everything that he’s ever positively done at this point to his grandfather, he was the only one there for him and the only one that truly cared for him when no one else would, and Chad could never repay Abuelo back from that, it was too little too late. And Chad would often ask himself if things would have turned out different if his parents were around and Abuelo never took him in, if he would have been so willing to not raise a fist to hurt a soul, just as he was taught then.  
’He’s starting to spiral.’ Ichigo thought as he started to gently take the chopsticks from Chads hand and moving his plate further up the table as he started to try and get him to focus on him. “Hey, handsome, can you hear me?” Ichigo asked as he ran his hand up Chad’s arm slowly.  
A small nod was seen as his brown eyes were going in and out of focus. When Chad looked at Ichigo, it was like he was looking straight through him, like he wasn’t all there, it was scary for Ichigo to witness. He knew that Chad wasn’t all there.  
Ichigo was trying his best to get Chad to come back and to focus on his voice, but it wasn't going as well as he had hoped, so he tried some other methods to try and help. He went and got a rag and ran it under cold water and rang it out, sitting back down next to Chad. “Hey, I'm going to be pressing this onto your neck and behind your ear, okay?”  
Chad was trying his best to focus and come back as Ichigo moved his hair to press the cloth to his neck. As Ichigo pressed the cloth to his neck, Chad had brought his hand up to cover his, closing his eyes in the process as a sigh passed his lips, the cold was helping. Ichigo could feel him relax as Chads hand held onto his a bit more. ‘That's good’, he thought before slowly taking the damp rag away from Chads neck.  
“How are you feeling?” Ichigo asked, a soft smile coming to his lips as Chad opened his eyes and looked at him with a slight smile, before looking down at their hands. “I’m feeling better, thank you, Ichigo, it really means a lot.” Chad had said sincerely as he held Ichigo's hand with both his hands, cradling it like it was the most delicate thing he's ever held.  
Ichigo just smiled as he brought his other hand and swept Chads brown locks out of his face and behind his ear, keeping his gaze soft as he let his fingers traced his jawline to his chin, lifting up his head to look at him. No words were said at that moment in time as they looked into each others eyes, contemplating on what to do next. That's when Ichigo finally starts to lean forward, taking a quick glance at Chads lips, not knowing if he should go along with kissing him.  
Chad had let go of Ichigo's hand and placed them where Ichigo's jaw and neck met, softly pulling him into his lips, sharing a kiss that they both have been desperately wanting for several months. Sparks had gone off as they did this, their minds blanked and focused on the feel of each others lips.  
As time finally came back, Chad had realized what they were doing and pulled back with wide eyes and let go of Ichigo, standing up and quietly apologizing and walking away to their room, sitting on the bed, putting his face in his hands. “I fucked up bad.” He choked, letting his head go forward as his hands ran to the back, grabbing handfuls of hair and tugging lightly.  
Ichigo was left there sat at the table with a shocked expression written in his features. All that he could think about was the feel of Chads lips on his and how it felt, but he was immediately met with regret and the want to take those few minutes back, he felt like he was taking advantage of the one he loves the most when he was in a vulnerable state of mind, but there was no way that he was going to ever take it back, the damage was already done.  
While Ichigo was thinking all of this over, he packed away the remainder of the food that was on the table and put it in the fridge. He couldn't stop thinking about the look of shock that was on Chads face, it was engraved into his brain, it was heartbreaking hor him to see. The only thing that Ichigo could think was, “I hurt him bad.”  
Later that night, Chad was still shut out in their room. He didn't want to make things worse for either of them, he didn't want to cause more harm to their relationship than he had already done. They were doing so well with the pace that they were going at, but he had gone and fucked it all up by pulling that stunt.  
Ichigo had went to go check on him a few times, knocking on the door and asking if everything was alright and if he needed anything, but he was shot down every time by the same answer. “I’m alright, you don't need to worry, I promise.” was the answer that he got with every ask. And that broke Ichigo even more, he didn't want to cause his loved one this much inner turmoil by barging in and forcing them to talk about what happened, but he knew that they had to talk about it at one point or another.  
And that’s exactly what they did the next day. Once Ichigo woke up, he noticed that he wasn't at the spot he fell asleep on the couch, but he was in their bed, Chad must have carried him in a few hours after he had passed out. Then Ichigo noticed that he was the only one in the bed. “Back to square one.” He mumbled as he threw the blanket off of himself as he draped his legs over the bed to sit up.  
Ichigo sat there with the heel of his hands in his eyes, thinking about what they were going to do about the situation that they were in. Were they going to get professional help from a couples therapist or handle this on their own? That was the biggest question that was weighing on Ichigo the most, because he knew that things were going backwards real quick trying to do this by themselves.  
He finally stood up and took a deep breath as he made his way to the kitchen to get a drink of whatever that was in the fridge before facing the inevitable. His stomach tossed and turned as he got more nervous, it got to the point where he had to run to the bathroom to puke in the toilet, which made him even more terrified to talk to Chad.  
As he cleaned himself up, he kept trying to find the right words to say when he did finally muster up the courage to walk into the room and talk to his lover, but he kept getting worked up and almost breaking down into a puddle of tears in the middle of the bathroom floor.  
Amber eyes darted around the vanity as they tried to calm down the pounding that was drowning out the drips of water that fell on the drain cover of the sink. Nothing seemed to help, but as Ichigo's eyes caught the gleam of the blades of one of the razors in the small organizer, his heart seemed to flutter as his mind started to yell at him to tear it apart and take one of the blades into his fingers.  
He jumped as a knock echoed through the bathroom, a deep voice following after, asking if everything was alright. It was Chad. In a frantic state that the sudden noise put him in, he accidentally knocked something over into the sink, his hands immediately going after the item in an attempt to silence it, giving a strained answer back, putting the tube of toothpaste back in its previous laing position.  
The door creaked open, chocolate brown hair coming into view in the mirror as Chad poked his head in, a worried look plastered onto his face as he looked Ichigo up and down, checking if anything was physically wrong with him. “Are you sure? You seem really distressed.” Chad asked, holding onto the side of the door and sliding half his body into the crack, leaning on the doorframe,  
Ichigo looked at him with tired and drained eyes as he put on a fake small smile to try and reassure Chad. “Yeah, I’m fine, I promise.” He lied, he knew he couldn’t get away with it, it wasn’t believable at all, but he couldn’t just tell Chad about his intrusive thoughts, it would make things way worse than they already were, and he didn't want that. Neither of them would be able to handle that with everything else.  
Chad was able to tell right away that Ichigo wasn't alright, his face was a bit more pale than he was the day before, he was jumpy and slightly frantic, and he seemed to have some sort of battle with himself that he was trying to push down for the sake of the relationship, and that was worrying.  
“Alright, do you want anything to eat? I can go out and get us something if you want me to.” Chad offered, changing the subject. He watched as Ichigo dropped his head and run a hand over his face before turning around, looking at him with teary eyes.  
“Please?” Ichigo whispered, needing to be alone for a bit longer without distractions or interjections from outside forces.  
Chad gave him a sad nod and closed the door as he left the doorway and made his way to the door. Ichigo stood there, staring at the bathroom door, waiting for the sound of the front door closing before turning around and looking back at the razors, contemplating on whether or not to tair his apart.  
A shaky hand reaches out to the razor before hesitating, a few seconds pass before his slender fingers wrap themselves around the handle, fiddling with the head of it, figuring out how to break apart the plastic, when he suddenly got an idea. ‘I need pliers...’ Ichigo thought as he walked out of the bathroom to look in the drawers of the kitchen, looking for a helping hand, finally finding one in a drawer next to the fridge, then he saw a lighter.  
He eyed the cheap, small lighter for a second or two before hastily grabbing it and slamming the small cabinet shut. As Ichigo was on his way back to the scene of the crime that he was about to commit, the front door opened, bags rustling as Chad flipped the locks behind him, totally unaware of the things that Ichigo was about to do.  
“Ichigo, I’m home! I brought home your favorite, Sukiyaki with rice and Miso.” Chad said as he slipped his shoes on, putting house slippers on and walking to the kitchen to unpack the food. Ichigo had ran as quietly as he could back to their room and hid the pliers and lighter under his socks before slipping his razor back into its rightful place.  
Footsteps could be heard as Chad made his way to the bathroom, finding that the door was open and Ichigos hand under the mirror. Ichigo had just shaved a few days prior, he didn't need to shave for a few more days, so that gave Chad a small warning flag to keep an eye out for the next few days.  
“I'm back with the food, pumpkin.” Chad said sweetly, a soft smile on his lips, taking a few seconds to look at the fluff that was Ichigo’s hair before walking back to the kitchen. He couldn't stop thinking about what Ichigo could have wanted to do with his razor, was it something bad? Was it nothing to worry about? He had no clue, so he pushed it away a bit, keeping it between the front and back burners of his mind.  
A few hours later, they were sat at either end of the couch watching tv, Ichigo not really paying attention to it as he read a book that he had pulled out of his stash on the bookshelf of their room. And as he went to pull his legs up and rest his head on his knees, a sudden pinch and sting was shot through the top of his thigh, causing him to hiss in pain, before it fizzled away to a slight pressure.  
Chad had looked over and saw Ichigo's brows furrow in pain as he got comfortable. “You okay?” He asked, not really knowing what type of answer he was going to ge, but bracing himself, none-the-less.  
Ichigo looked up with his eyebrows up and his mouth slightly agape, registering what was said to him before giving Chad a reply. “Huh? Oh, yeah, Im fine, my jeans just pulled some hair on my leg, its nothing I can't handle.” He responded, shooting Chad a soft smile before turning his attention back to his book, knowing what he had just said was a lie.  
Chad gave a slow nod as he let his eyes look over the redhead one last time before putting his focus back to the tv. He still had his doubts about the multiple things that Ichigo could have done with that razor, he just didn't know which one it was, and he was slowly waiting to see what signs would pop up over time.  
And that's exactly what he did. Over the next few months, Chad had kept note of Ichigo’s body language,change of attitude, and the way he moved and the way he kept eye contact. Yeah, it seemed like a shitty thing to do as a partner, but he didn't want to come out and ask Ichigo if he was intrusive thoughts of self-harming and acting on them, Ichigo would more than likely deny all of it, saying that he would never do that to himself, and he didn't want to take any chances of that happening.  
Chad had noticed that Ichigo didn't wear his normal at-the-knee shorts, but would wear either Chads, or joggers, which wasn’t a bad thing, but he would wear them once or twice over a span of a few weeks, but Ichigo was wearing them throughout the week, changing into them as soon he got home from work, keeping his bag and such in front of his body instead at his side like usual.  
Chad had also noticed that Ichigo started picking and itching at himself through his joggers, getting up and made his way to their room. Where in turn, Ichigo would take out the blade that he had taken from an old razor head that he had taken apart a few weeks prior, and head to the bathroom and shut the door behind him, making to lock the doorknob, dropping his dark grey joggers before sitting on the side of the tub lifting up his boxers, showing small, scabbed cuts from the previous times he had harmed.  
Ichigo looked at them, his anxiety started to rise the more he did, and that’s when he put the cold blade against the skin of his leg, thinking of whether or not to let the blade glide over the smooth skin on his thigh. He took a deep breath in, and as he exhaled, he pressed the blade into his skin and slid the blade across the scabbed canvas, doing it a few more times, occasionally crossing one over the other, anxiety leaving his system as he kept going.  
A few more minutes, and a few more passes, and Ichigo felt like he had got his fix in for a while. And as he was cleaning himself up and putting bandages on his fresh wounds, he was met with the creeping feeling of guilt and sadness wash over him, like a wave in the ocean crash into a boat, and he was the boat.  
As the waves kept crashing into him, the tears started flowing. He had felt an immense amount of guilt for even starting in the first place, and the sadness for how long he had kept up the nasty habit.  
A soft knock at the door was more than enough to make Ichigo jump out of his skin and look at the door with scared eyes and a quivering lip. “Is everything alright in there? You’ve been in there for a while.” Chad asked, resting his head against the door, looking at his hand on the handle as he spoke.  
Ichigo shook his head wiping his eyes as he stood up, pulling his joggers up. “No, I'm not okay.” He answered, his voice shaking, unlocking the door with shaky fingers and tears threatening to spill again as he opened the door and looked up at Chad.  
Ichigo was petrified about what Chad would do when he finds out what Ichigo had done to himself. Ichigo had known that Chad had a hunch about what he was doing, but he didn’t want to tell him once things got to a point where he couldn’t handle it and broke down. And now was that time.  
Strong arms enclosed Ichigo and held him tight as more tears welled up and spilled over onto his cheeks as he wept into his lovers chest, letting everything out for what seemed like an eternity. And after a while, Ichigo settled down and decided to tell Chad what he had been doing to himself.  
As they sat down on the floor in their living room, Ichigo had taken his joggers off for easier access to what he was about to talk about. The anxiety that he was feeling weighed on his chest like a bag of bricks and it made it even harder to want to talk about it, and Chad could see that. He could tell that Ichigo was having second thoughts about this entire thing, and he understood that.  
“Man, this isn’t gonna be easy,” Ichigo mumbled, taking in a deep breath before starting, “I’ve been keeping something really harmful away from you, and I know that you’ve had been questioning it for a while now.” He started, looking anywhere besides Chad, who was sitting in front of him, who just gave a nod, listening to what Ichigo had to say.  
“I’ve been cutting. Almost religiously, at that for weeks now. And it started after we had that kiss after I helped you come back from dissociating a few months ago. I felt like I took advantage of you when you were most vulnerable and I don’t know what took over me, I should have never done it, it was stupid and insinsitive of me to do.” At this point, Ichigo was looking into Chad’s big, brown eyes, tears welling up in Ichigo’s eyes. “I’m so, so, sorry I did that to you. I hurt you more than I could ever imagine, and I feel like shit for it.” Ichigo apologized, his voice cracking as a tear fell down his face.  
“And I hurt you even more by keeping my problem away from you, this wouldn’t have happened if I had told you way sooner. I can’t apologize enough for this, I’m so sorry, Chad, I truly at the very bottom of my heart, am.” He spilled, more tears falling as he went on.  
Chad couldn’t find the words to say as Ichigo finished with what he had to say, all he could do was go over to his redheaded lover and hold his hands. He put his head down and put Ichigo’s hands on his forehead as he broke down, Chad was heartbroken by what Ichigo had told him, none of this would have happened if Chad hadn’t have drank that dreadful day. He felt so bad for this entire mess that had stemmed from his terrible mistake, and he wanted nothing but to fix this.  
“This is all my fault, Ichigo, all my fault. I should have never have started drinking, it was the worst decision I could have ever made and it could have been avoided. It’s all my fault.” Chad repeated as he choked on his words, shaking from the waves of heavy sobs that emitted from deep within him.  
This was hard for the both of them, and they both knew now that they needed professional help to help the both of them work through their personal demons, alongside with couples therapy to help mend the severely cracked relationship. So that’s what happened.  
The next morning, they both took off work and found a therapist that was in their price range and drove to the office to meet up with them. This was the first step to a better life for the both of them, and they knew that, and they were more than happy to know that they were in the right direction to a better and healthier relationship and life together.  
Ichigo and Chad held each other’s hands in the car, and on the way to the floor that the therapist was on. The air around them was anxiety filled, but also light and flowy. As they signed in and sat down in the waiting room, they looked at each other and gave the most sincere smiles that they could muster before sharing a kiss, a kiss that they didn’t regret, but a kiss that held so much love, it made both of their hearts flutter with admiration and joy.  
“ Yasutora, Sado and Kurosaki, Ichigo, Dr. Shiba would like to see you now.” The secretary announced, holding the door open, letting both men walk through before closing the door behind them, showing them the way to the office.


End file.
